Man battles mountain lion with chainsaw

July 18, 2009

The global war on wildlife took a bizarre turn this week as a mountain lion attack was successfully repelled with a chainsaw, the Associated Press reports.

Mechanic and ex-US Marine Dustin Britton was minding his own damn business choppin’ some wood when he noticed the predator observing him from nearby bushes. When the cougar pounced, Britton raised the whirling blades of the chainsaw to defend himself.

“It batted me three or four times with its front paws and as quick as I hit it with that saw it just turned away,” said Britton.

The beast retreated to its mountain lair, having been given a “six-to-eight-inch” lesson by the outdoorsman, who phlegmatically shrugged off a small puncture-wound to his forearm.

“You would think if you hit an animal with a chainsaw it would dig right in. I might as well have hit it with a hockey stick,” Britton said, acknowledging the deadly nature of English public schoolgirls.

The fractuous feline was eventually gunned down by the authorities after it attacked a tracking dog. By way of justification, Wyoming Game and Fish representatives said the lion was in “poor physical condition” and “appeared to be starving”.

In the past ten years, eight cases of mountain lion attacks on humans have been recorded in Wyoming. The state has no previous record of chainsaw attacks on lions.