Hiker battles bear with iPhone

Bear attack? There’s an app for that.

A Vermont hiker warded of a bear attack armed with nothing more than her trusty iPhone, CNet News reports.

Kris Rowley, Chief Information Security Officer for the state of Vermont, was enjoying a wilderness hike when she noticed a bear taking an unhealthy interest in her progress. Realising she was completely unprepared to repel the impending attack, Rowley reached for the nearest weapon — her iPhone.

“In a semi-panic, I threw the phone at the bear.”

The woodland gods smiled upon Rowley that day, as the bear eschewed the gamey tang of human flesh for the satisfying crunch of Cupertino’s most famous export.

Two days later, Rowley returned to the scene, this time armed with her trusty Louisville Slugger, and retrieved her iPhone from the mossy loam. Sadly, the device was damaged beyond repair. Nevertheless, Vermont’s indomitable CIO decided to wing a warranty request.

Unfortunately, the humourless Apple employees at her hometown’s self-appointed “Genius Bar” refused her petition, no doubt citing the following po-faced exceptions to the Apple warranty:

This warranty does not apply: … to damage caused by accident, abuse, misuse, flood, fire,
earthquake or bear attack; (c) to damage caused by operating the product outside the permitted or intended uses described by Apple (e.g. to ward off a bear attack); (d) to damage caused by service (including upgrades and expansions) performed by anyone who is not a representative of Apple or an Apple Authorized Service Provider (“AASP”) (e.g. a wild bear); … (f) to consumable (i.e. edible) parts, such as batteries, unless damage has occurred due to a defect in materials or workmanship; (g) to cosmetic damage, including but not limited to scratches, dents and broken plastic on ports (e.g. by scoffing, nibbling, chomping, gumming, nomming or otherwise attempting to consume said device or parts) ; or (h) if any Apple serial number has been removed or defaced (e.g. by a bear).

The moral of the story? Fight bears if you must, Goldilocks, but don’t mess with the mighty Apple.

(Thanks are again due to Tim, whose horoscope this week includes an unexpected visit from a tall, dark and extremely hairy stranger)

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One Response to Hiker battles bear with iPhone

  1. Tim Stevens says:

    Blackheath Bore in Bellicose Bear Barbarism? Inner Urban Ursine Insurrection?

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