“Sydenham Panther” strikes again

September 29, 2009

Proving Tibor Fisher’s admonishment that “South London is not fit for human habitation,” London Lite reports a new sighting of the “Sydenham Panther”.

Dog walker Sara Hill, 32, discovered the mauled remains of a domestic cat as she pushed her 8-month-old son through the park. The unfortunate feline had every morsel licked from its bones, save the head.

Displaying an intimate knowledge of cryptozoology hitherto unrecognised in the residents of SE26, Ms Hill stated: “It could only have been a big cat. No other animal would do that kind of damage. A dog would have torn it limb from limb and a fox would have finished it off.”

Sydenham, as she is found.

The attack reawakens painful memories for the good burghers of Sydenham, who were traumatised by a “big cat” attack four years ago.

Tony Holder obtained his 15 minutes when he bravely recovered his moggie from the jaws of The Beast in 2005.

Holder was attempting to recall “KitKat” when he spotted “a 5ft-long animal” chowing down on his beloved tabby. Immediately responding to the intervention, the “black, panther-like creature” relinquished his meal and leapt at Holder.

“I could see these huge teeth and the whites of its eyes just inches from my face. It was snarling and growling and I really believed it was trying to do some serious damage.”

Warming to his theme, Holder continued: “I really thought my life was in danger,” before noticing scowls from his wife.

“… but all I was worried about was my family.”

In response to the 2005 attack, gleeful Plod armed themselves with Tasers and tranqilizer darts, nosing around warrantless in the gardens of the innocent before eventually calling it a night.

Following this year’s attack, Big Cats In Britain rent-a-quote Mark Fraser proclaimed: “This could be the work of a big cat but we need more evidence.”


Winston the carrier pigeon bests SA’s Telkom

September 10, 2009

It is quicker to send data by carrier pigeon than use South Africa’s largest ISP, Reuters reports.

Winston, an 11-month old carrier pigeon, lugged a data card from the offices of Unlimited IT in Pietermaritzburg to Durban in one hour and eight minutes. Staff spent a further hour fumbling with the medium before the transfer was complete. In the meantime, a download over the backhaul of Telkom was a paltry 4% complete.

Without a hint of irony, Reuters reports that Telkom “could not immediately be reached for comment”.