Romantic bear goes for chocolates and champagne

July 2, 2009

A lovesick bear burgled a California home in search of chocolates and champagne, California broadcaster KTVU reports.

Last Saturday, San Bernadino deputies attended a San Antonio Heights home in response to a breaking and entering call. The stunned residents had found a bear raiding their fridge, and immediately dialed the emergency services.

Sergeant Tom Alsky told KTVU the sweet-toothed intruder had eschewed the healthy choice, pushing aside vegetables in a single-minded search for the chocs. The ursine romantic had also attempted to open a bottle of champagne, apparently without success.

At press time, local florists could not recall any telephone orders placed by gruff-voiced customers.

Mashed-up wallabies create crop circles

July 2, 2009

The mystery of the crop circles that have recently appeared in Australian poppy fields has finally been resolved, the BBC reports.

Hungry wallabies in search of a meal have burgled fields of opium poppy, scoffed a few heads, and hopped around in circles “as high as a kite”, creating the arable formations beloved of stoners and New Age mystics the world over.

Speaking to a parliamentary hearing on poppy crop security, Tasmania’s attourney general Laura Giddings said: “We have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles. Then they crash. We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high.”

Australia supplies half of the world’s legally-grown opium poppies, essential for the manufacture of morphine and methadone, used for pain relief and cleaning up smackheads respectively.

The cycle (or circle) of addiction is not confined to Australia’s indigenous marsupial population, according to Tasmanian Alkaloids spokesman Rick Rockliff: “There have been many stories about sheep that have eaten some of the poppies after harvesting, and they all walk around in circles.”

The antipodean junkie mammals join a proud line of non-human hedonists. New Scientist gleefully reports stories of psychedelic elephants, pissed-up Malaysian tree shrews and ganja-crazed chimpanzees.

Readers interested in the usual source of crop-circles, i.e. bored cider guzzlers from Hampshire, are directed to this handy resource.

TVM Tim, who is alive to such stories.